I have a friend, as yet unnamed, who does not think hostility and sarcasm are attractive at all, ever. I’m like, “Never?? Not even in some situations sometimes??” And he’s like “NO. End of story”. Unfortunately, he’s like sodium pentothal in human form to me, so when we talk, I’m all “BLAH hostility BLAH sarcasm BLAH hostility BLAH sarcasm”.. BLAAAAH = unattractive. To be fair to myself, I normally channel my hostility inward, and what spills over is usually just some cute anger. But I’m not like that all the time! Usually I’m pleasant, not recently, but more often than not, I think – I could be totally wrong. I’m so unsure of myself these days. Also, self-deprecation, says my friend as yet unnamed, is unhealthy. In other words, I’m fucked. Another friend “HI5Oh” calls me out when I hyperbolize, which is clearly all the time. Well hell! I call them like I see them… and then add a splash of color for whimsy and entertainment purposes. Like that time I realized I knew the Antichrist, I was like, “I know the Antichrist!!!”. Who can argue that I don’t? How would they know? I’ll tell you who: HI5Oh. He argues everything. “You’re telling me you know the incarnation of evil, the Beast who shall destroy God?”.
“Are they bald, partially maimed, and partially deaf?.
“Not yet, but they’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’”, as Dad would say.
And then I felt really bad. This person is sick and suffering – they’re not the Antichrist. Some are sicker than others. Much sicker sometimes. It’s just funnier to call them the Antichrist… I think – I could be totally wrong. I have this notion that if you’d call that person a “chump” or “Antichrist” or whatever to their face, then you’re not being mean – you’re speaking your truth and this is a program of honesty after all, right? But then it was pointed out to me that that is the definition of mean. And since it is unanimously and monumentally suggested that I be kind and compassionate to achieve maximum recovery (I should write weight loss infomercials), I have no choice but to muzzle my inner Siskel and Ebert. I comfort myself with the fact that no one can actually hear my inner Critics Corner AND.. bonus! – I don’t need to make amends for the mean stuff I think! So there.
So, here’s what we currently have, kids. In my truly earnest and honest-to-God pilgrimage to Love and recovery, I need to work on snuffing out my hostility, sarcasm, and judgment, and reigning in the hyperbole. There goes the blog! RIP, sweet Slushkitty!! Actually, the one who gets the crap kicked out them the most is yours truly, by yours truly. I really am trying to understand why I hate mankind so much and it is making me quite literally insane. PLUS I was born without a Poker Face. I really don’t know if it is a blessing or a curse. For example, when you tell me, as you do so often, that I am stunning simply stunning, the prettiest lady in church basements, the delight and gratitude in my glittering brown eyes and the sparkle in my modest and winning smile reflect a sincerity and beauty rarely seen on God’s green earth. On the other hand, if I want to kick you so hard in the shins, you’ll know simply by being within half a mile of me. I don’t have to say a word. My demonic scowl says it all. People are on to me now and I don’t like it. I am working on it though – working on not having such extreme emotions that a Poker Face is even necessary. Some day I’ll be able to thoughtfully ponder and come to understand and calmly articulate what’s making me uncomfortable or angry or whatnot, and not have to resort to dramatically and loudly falling off my chair while flailing and making the universal distress sign of choking. I’m all about self-improvement and trying to live in a “kinder and gentler way” –or whatever – these days. If you have any suggestions for me on how to do this, please, I value your wisdom. I might find some way to turn your good intentions into a personal attack on me. But please go ahead and tell me anyway! It’ll be good practice! I’m on my 4th step. I’ll just add you to my resentment list and then will come to realize I’m an even bigger asshole than I thought. HA!!!! That was a funny joke! A little 12-step humor! My kinder and gentler way is to laugh at my own jokes, which I actually hear is a faux pas in some social circles but so is passing out in broad daylight with 30 lbs. of tomatoes and a case of beer, but that never stopped me!
The truth is that I feel like I have been living in the Twilight Zone for the past few weeks. This horror show at work was so bizarre, some people’s reactions were so bizarre. I’ve been starring as the victim and victor in my own Alternate Reality Show, though I never really was either victim or victor. Oh fuck that – I was totally victimized. I have a lot of processing to do around this but this much is clear: I did my best, I have the best friends in the world, and I gained a valuable piece of information: If you ever have the terrible terrible misfortune of having to repeatedly say “blowjob” to your HR person and you have a hard time keeping a straight face, I strongly suggest crying over laughing. It’s much more appropriate. And it is no laughing matter anyway. I did cry, it was mortifying. However, I’m really going to have a hard time keeping a straight face when I see her from now on. Because it’s kind of funny.. when you think about it.