Hi! And Happppppppy New Year!
I’m starting this shiny New Year with an experiment – I am not going to charge my phone. Not charging it is a step beyond just turning it off, and a step before asking my landlord to back over it with his truck. By not charging it, in case I can’t stand not being wirelessly connected to the world anymore, I can take those few minutes it takes for my phone to charge enough so I’m able to check my fucking texts, to change my mind and unplug the bitch. “Why would you not want to check your texts, dear SK?”, you ask. “Because…” I say…
… I’ve heard a few sayings over the past couple of years that have helped me coax myself off the ledge. One DLD says is “rejection is God’s protection”. The other is “crazy people don’t know they’re crazy”. Just pondering these two statements makes me dizzy, and illustrates why I don’t want to turn on my phone. My Number One Fear in Life is, and always has been, Rejection. So on those rare occasions where I find myself throwing caution to the wind, vulnerable, caught with my pants down, so to speak, I seek Rejection. I seduce Rejection by dancing the Dance of the Seven Medications (none of which work, btw) then cutting off Rejection’s head. Does this make any sense? Does this sound crazy? Alas, crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. Or do they? I can’t see how fear-of-rejection-fueled craziness is God’s way of protecting me.
Another thing I’ve heard is that relapse starts long before you decide to take that first drink. Exactly two years ago, I was circling the drain over CM, slowly and agonizingly relapsing. Minus a few thrills, our relationship, as painfully dissected in this bloggy, was make-believe. Make-believe evokes images of a sweet little me playing dress up and kissing the back of my hand, but my make-believe with CM more resembled me starring as Jessica Walter’s Evelyn in “Play Misty for Me” (watch please: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tH4mbbXOXsY ). Luckily, or not, or for the most part, it never went this far. I suffered with my delusions – and drank – in relative silence. During my CM days, I was as out of touch with reality as our dear Evelyn was.
Cut to: Present Day. I am much much more emotionally stable now. I mentioned the CM days because for the first time in two years, there’s a realistic real-life person – let’s call him “The One I Like”. I’m keeping my phone off to avoid possibly being derailed if I don’t get a text from TOIL. Potentially and equally as distressing, if I do get a text, some unfortunate punctuation may catapult me into the stratosphere of doom. Why, just a couple of weeks ago, I had a mini-meltdown over a comma, because I am a reasonable person. Everyone knows that “Hi” followed by an exclamation point (i.e. Hi!) means “I’m thinking of you because I like you very much!”, whereas “Hi” followed by a comma (i.e. Hi,) means “We need to talk”. HELP! Circle the wagons! Get out the big guns!
Lily tells me that Awareness is the step before Acceptance, and Acceptance is the step before Action. I am very aware, as evidenced in the comma dilemma above, that I have found myself in dangerous territory. I accept the fact that so much of this is my pure, paranoiac imagination. I think I should pause at Acceptance and focus on being grateful for all my blessings before taking any action. Making progress is a HUGE one of those blessings.
Have you guys seen the Jodie Foster movie “Contact”? My apologies in advance for the forthcoming corny analogy. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it, but here’s the gist of one of the scenes. She gets a map and the blueprints from benevolent aliens to make a spaceship so she can visit her beloved dead father in another dimension. She gets the go-ahead from her quasi-NASA bosses to build and launch it BUT they make her wear a seatbelt – No belt. No brains. Click it or Ticket! After ample disagreement and defiance, she’s like “Fine” and belts up. Upon lift-off, she gets violently jostled, her head increasingly and dangerously banging on the sides of her spacesuit. In desperation and with much struggle, she unbuckles her seatbelt. And then all the noise stops and she floats dreamingly, weightlessly in the spaceship as it travels a zillion miles an hour through kaleidoscopic wormholes en route to Dad. My little analogy here is that the seatbelt symbolizes my all-encompassing, debilitating fear of rejection. I desperately don’t want to wear it anymore. The NASA bosses symbolize the peanut gallery in my head – they insist that I wear the seatbelt because all they want is for me to be safe. The benevolent aliens symbolize Love/HP/God. They give me a path and directions to that which I miss and long for. Her Dad and another dimension symbolize Love and Safety and Hope. The thrashing and deadly turbulence symbolize the way I have lived my life. The moral of this story is that I need to let go of my crippling fear. Not only does it not work anymore, it’s really really hurting me. Not having the faith to trust that everything is as it should be is deafening and blinding me from the beauty that is my journey. All my resistance does is keep me apart from Love.
Thank you for letting me talk that out! I believe I know what Action to take. I’m going to charge my phone!
One enormous piece of the pickle I failed to mention is that TOIL and I had a grown-up conversation and we agreed that it’s best we not pursue this emotionally. He’s a sweetheart and his most endearing qualities I’ve noticed thus far are his earnestness and kindness and wish to do the right thing. It’s curious how I take a mutually loving decision and pervert and warp it into cold, devastating proof of rejection. 2014 is my year to kick the crazy!
This morning, this first day of this New Year, I did not wake up alone. Actually, I did, so that’s my first lie of this New Year. Well, I slept over NayNay’s. She has been sick and didn’t want to wake me up with her coughing, so she slipped out of bed on her sprained ankle to sleep on the couch. So considerate and sweet! There’s no one on earth I’d rather have spent my first hours of a new year with. That sounds like a very happy start to 2014! I can leave my phone dead to shut out possible and imaginary rejection *** OR *** I can charge it and invite love in and share it with my friends. I can hole up and isolate *** OR *** I can be available if anyone needs a friendly voice or has happy news to share. And I actually have friends! And I have so much love in my life! And it’s a new year!
For what seemed like months, everyone had been talking about the dreaded Trifecta of Temptation and Terror – the holidays. They’re over… and they almost passed by without notice. I was at a meeting last night and a friend said the words “the holidays” and I felt a little turned around. I couldn’t remember what month or season it was or when “the holidays” were. I think I caught myself in a moment of being truly present. My holidays were lovely and I think that contributed to why I was so peaceful. I spent them with my family. I love my family and they love me! A bunch of relationships in all areas of my life have been reborn. Like the Baby Jesus. And I am so grateful.
Happy New Year and so Much Love…