Dear Rubbah Fox

Dear Alkie,

I had a friend of the opposite sex who has expressed attraction to me but felt it would be the “wrong” thing to act on. I then became attracted to her, and expressed that to her. She then just stopped speaking to me without any real discussion around that decision with me. I’ve had a hard time just being accepting of the situation because I truly love and care for this person, and valued our friendship dearly.
How do you suggest I be handling the situation?

Dear Rubbah Fox,

Thank you for your question! I apologize for answering 1.5 months later. I am going to ignore your snippy comment about withdrawing your request for my advice because I took too long to reply, and your mysterious “situation” of mutual “attraction” deflated itself… not unlike a flat tire on your highway to spiritual enlightenment, I imagine. Do I seem unsympathetic? I’m afraid you were pinned in the center of the Ground Zero of my Imaginary Boyfriendland during the infancy of my sobriety, when fellas were a new species to me. Does that sound like a frightening place to be pinned? Yes. Yes, it does. I’m not sure if you are aware of this, but you and I had a pretty nasty break-up last summer. You remembered my name after only having met me once so, clearly, you were in love with me, but then you cheated on me and I was shocked, simply gutted! Gutted! Shocked! I didn’t talk to you for several months and you didn’t even notice. That was cold, dude. But, alas, I’ve evolved since then, and I’ll have you know that I did not snicker when I got your question above. I actually felt really bad because, as skeezy as affairs are, like mold festering in dampness and darkness, I know how disappointed you’ve been lately because all the girls you like turn out to be lesbians (coincidence?). At least you know that jezebels who consider cheating on their boyfriends may be interested in you, whereas lesbians will never be. So, you’re heading in the right direction! Keep up the good work, sunshine!

I was kidding about affairs being skeezy and like mold festering in dampness and darkness. Someone called me mold once – this is a close second to my favorite term of endearment from an old boyfriend: “shifty-eyed motherfucker” (I’ve mentioned this before but, really, it’s priceless, and bears repeating). Being insane, I delighted in both compliments. Someone actually did liken our torrid affair to mold – “our love is not a love – instead it is a mold festering in dampness and darkness”.  I was devastated. I was 17. Let’s call him “MhristianUno”. MhristianUno was 18. It was 1989. Our torrid affair consisted of him “cheating” on his girlfriend by taking me to see My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult at Ground Zero, a terrifying band (for me at that age) at a terrifying dive (before dives were a.w.e.s.o.m.e) in Central Square, which I think is a gay bar now. Why they let a 17-year-old preppy teeny bopper in, I do not know, but it’s kind of a cool story now – makes me sound edgy. I was so not edgy. Anyway, MhristianUno wanted me to move to San Francisco… oooooooooo, my dreamy kittycat lovemuffin, let me graduate high school first and then we shall begin our precious storybook love (and I’ll be sure to wear a flower in my hair)…. but then he abruptly changed his mind, called me mold, and I moved to Stockholm instead. I did eventually move toSan Francisco, but 7 years later. And there we ran into each-other ALL the time… and pretended not to know each-other – this is a typical punch line of my many storybook loves that would follow in the years to come. And check it yo – I was hanging out inBrooklyn a few years ago with a friend and some of his friends, and this gal asked me where I was from and, wouldn’t you know! She is good friends with MhristianUno! She texted him and said “Guess who I’m hanging out with!!!” and he said something like “Are you fucking kidding me?” but as per some contemporary social mandate, he sent me a friend request, and we’re now Facebook friends. I unsubscribed to his status updates though. Take THAT, Moldy MhristianUno!

The one realistic belief I have about love is that you can’t help who you fall in love with, or when you fall in love with them. Have you been watching The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee? Yeah, I don’t really care either EXCEPT that I practically lose consciousness with bliss every time I see Prince Charles and Camilla! Have you ever seen the ol’ chap so happy, so in love? Camillagate was misery, MISERY, for them, for the poor duchess! Why could no one understand?? He loved HER first! He wanted to marry Camilla NOT Diana! But Diana was cuter and younger, and Charles was a total mamma’s boy back then, and he had to marry Diana, and Diana was like, dude, check out the digs! and they were both like, whatever, I do. Yet no one could extinguish Charles’ and Camilla’s decades-long white hot passion (eeew), and Charles declared their love “non-negotiable” (awwww)… and look at them now!!! I defy you to find a picture of them not laughing, and not the canned poses either. They truly look like they’re in love, and have such fun together. Even The Queen has taken a shine to Camilla, and they’re spotted lunching on cucumber sandwiches together often. Diana and Fergie just made fun of The Queen’s shoes. The Queen and Camilla seem genuinely fond of each-other. A few weeks ago, Charles substituted as weatherman for some TV station, and Camilla was standing by the camera, and they were both giggling like little kids. I do not exaggerate when I say I had tears of happiness for them streaming down my face, as I sat with my three cats in my 1-bedroom paradise in Southie, yes, waiting for my prince. How.Sad.Is.That? ANYway, my point, RF, is that what may seem “wrong” to act on, may just be bad timing. Sometimes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs. And sometimes things come full circle. I hear.


Oh, hold the phone! I just got around to reading your question. Does “wrong” thing to act on even mean she has a boyfriend?? I just assumed that’s what you meant. Or does she mean “wrong” in CDC kind of way? Or does it mean that you did not have a year of sobriety yet, and that it is “wrong” to break the AA law? Speaking of having a year of sobriety, congratulations! Neither of us are AA jail bait anymore!  We should just get it over with. What do you say? [Refer to “Dear Slushkitten” if you have reservations – I am not a skank, nor do I have any STDs. I can prove it. Or does that Rubbah you the wrong way?].




12 responses

  1. Slushkitty-set!

    Often, when I’ve eaten something someone I know has made, and it has been really good, I’ve been known to propose marriage. I want to say here and now that with every blog post you deepen my love towards you. This latest is no exception, and may even bee my fave yet! WILL. YOU. FUKIN’. MARRY. ME??? (seriously, will you?)

    Your forever imaginary wife,


  2. Listen, gunpowder.

    1. Thank you for answering my question. Even though it took you 37 years to come up with an answer and I’m dead now, I’m honored for your service.
    2. Yes, I am fully aware of our imaginary relationship and eventual breakup. What I’m not aware of is who I cheated on you with. Remind me.
    3. No, no, no. Wrong woman, and wrong, “wrong thing”. This question had nothing to do with that “episode” of “Let’s do the Wrong Thing Because You’re Lonely, Desperate, and She’s the Hottest Woman in Cambridge AA”.
    4. Yes, I love lesbians. I can’t help it.
    5. Yes, maybe we should “do it” if only to celebrate our sexual legitimacy in this spiritual culture of lunacy in which we reside.
    6. If you only knew who the woman in question was, you would appreciate the oh, so subtle irony in it all…Don’t even bother. The answer is, “I can’t”.

  3. P.S.

    – Re your inquiry about her reluctance to pursue a romance with me due to it being the “wrong thing”. No, it was not due to her having a boyfriend. Other than that, I have no idea what this “wrong thing” is comprised, or based upon, due to her black belt in womanly evasiveness through vague usage of random terminology and words. I’ve given up.

  4. dear cara, i do not understand most of what you are talking about except that i adore your rant about charles and camilla and i also love that you name-dropped my life with the thrill kill kult. in short, i love you. i am trying to think of a question to email to you just to see what hilarious responses you compose. all my love and admiration, lauren a. j.

  5. Ok. Time to start pestering for a new post, my lovely. MomMomMomMomMommyMommyMommyMommyMommyMaMaMaMaLouisLouisLouisLouisLouis – – – – WHAT????




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