Things You Can Do Without a Uterus


“The Girl with the Uterus Tattoo” hosted a Going-Away Party for my Uterus last night! Perfect, huh? Thank you to those of you who came – it meant a lot to me.  “Cassie” wasn’t able to make it, so instead sent me The.Best.Email.Ever. Here it is!:

“I’ve compiled a brief, not at all comprehensive list of things you can do without a uterus, for inspiration during and after your recovery:

*learn how to pole dance

*marathon America’s Next Top Model/What Not to Wear/trashy TV show of choice

*run an actual marathon, if that’s your idea of fun (it is not mine.)

*build a canoe

*visit the zoo that’s somewhere around here

*become a phone sex person

*continue to have the best sense of personal style I’ve ever seen

*get more tattoos. get a tattoo of a uterus!

*sync Pink Floyd with Wizard of Oz

*be a good cat mamma

*learn French

*learn Elvish

*learn how to swear fluently in sign language

*move to Cambridge

*continue writing your hilarious-but-poignent blog

*become a standup comedian

*write a bestselling humor book. become rich and famous.

*grow tomatoes

*create artwork from items you find in dumpsters

*become a stunt double

*marry a longshoreman

*balance the US budget, eliminate our national debt

*build ships in bottles

*start to build ships in bottles, get frustrated, throw ship-in-bottle kit out of a fifth-story window

*watch Community #sixseasonsandamovie

*create eye-gougingly cheery collages from women’s health magazines

*run naked through the streets

*go to lots of AA meetings!

*run naked through lots of AA meetings!

*start your own business making handmade but affordable cat treats

*go to Disneyland

*go to Disneyworld

*learn the ukulele

*bake a loaf of banana bread

*learn CPR. use CPR skills to save random person on the subway

*laugh at the misfortune of people menstruating

*save tons of money on tampons

*repaint your apartment

*go see a movie

*sponsor someone and relish the power of making someone else make a gratitude list for once!

*start a gang of ovary-less women. get matching t-shirts and leather jackets. roam the streets.

*win the lottery

*lose the lottery

*chair Live and Let Live

*start a new meeting in Davis Square. I am a very lazy woman.

*write, direct, produce, and star in your own dramedy about sobriety

*learn bird calls

*learn whale calls

*learn catcalls

*get coffee with me before a meeting, when we’re both back on our respective feet

*go up the down escalator

*do the gangnam style dance

*floss twice a day.”.


Below is the Second Best Email I have ever received. It is an unfortunate snag in the mild and sublime language barrier:


From: “Kara”

Sent: Thursday, December 29, 2011 6:05 AM

To: “Pim”; “Eliza”
Subject: SKU: DQ1617, MFG#: 4597-00-00F status

Hi, Pim and Eliza!

Our SKU: DQ1617, MFG#: 4597-00-00F has a status of “special order”. This is incorrect – it’s a current product. Can you change this on the site?

Thank you!



From: Eliza

Sent: Thursday, December 29, 2011 10:36 AM
To: Kara; Pim
Subject: RE: SKU: DQ1617, MFG#: 4597-00-00F status

Sure Kara, just give me a moment. I just came on my desk.

Thanks 🙂

Best Regards,



No, no. Thank YOU, Eliza!





2 responses

  1. Totally brilliant!

    One more suggestion (Things You Can Do Without a Uterus In Denver…movie reference, look it up):

    More storage space for your lovely shoes.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s